I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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