It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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