I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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