Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
