How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
