Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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