Who did Billy Mays play for?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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