apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
