he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
