I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
