tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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