Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
