so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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