Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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