He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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