half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
