i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
