Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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