Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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