My room smells like vodka and shame
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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