he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
