Duck Duck Cougar?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
