If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
