if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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