just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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