I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
