I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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