Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
