I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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