I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i think my cat just said my name.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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