I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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