Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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