Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
