After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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