You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
