I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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