I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
