I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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