So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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