Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
