she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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