hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
