took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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