you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
