The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
