he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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