i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
