i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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