Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
