i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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