take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
