yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
